a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
The ladies in my knitting club think it’s hilarious when I greet them by saying, “Sup, my knittas?!”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Rich people don’t understand cereal
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.