Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.