Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Tony Hawk, age 6
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.