Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”


A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.


Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?



[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah


Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere


Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.


Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.