@Vice_Queen

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

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@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

@SentenceReduced

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

@truegritrumble

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

@ibid78

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

@HenpeckedHal

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

@kellysdf

Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.