Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.