Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.