Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.