*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.