@RunOldMan

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

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@andylevy

*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*

@TheLemon_

You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.

@ClichedOut

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

@neiltyson

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

@sophielou

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

@flashember

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

@WheelTod

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.