@RunOldMan: Imagine my surprise when I found out that don't is not the abbreviation for donut
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@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@rolldiggity: Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
@sliver_of: Imagine how much fatter we’d all be if they made snack bags less noisy so we could finally snack in peace
@continentlbkfst: [sees my dentist in the store] *really loud fake phone call voice* me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk