I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.