Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
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BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Oh deer
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.