@Amusitr0n

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

You Might Also Like

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

@ThisOneSayz

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

@13spencer

I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.

@GrantTanaka

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@DirtMcTurd

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes