Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
why am I working on Labor Day
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Doggies just call it style.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now