aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I just found out that “Birdman” has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes