Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
#Caturday
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good