imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
You Might Also Like
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
happy valentine’s day to me
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*