imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Never forget.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.