@Kiirkland
@Freudianscript
When life gives you lemons…..
Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.
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@Freudianscript
@squirrel74wkgn
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
@welfarehoe
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
@MarfSalvador
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
@roostermustache
[on a date with a teacher]
Me: your eyes are beautiful
Her: yours too
Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you
Her: i don’t know CAN YOU
@AbbyHasIssues
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
@riesypiecey
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
@Peauxtassium
Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades
@Sarcasticsapien
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
@carlyken
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza