shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
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Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*mops up wine with cat*
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life