Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”

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When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.


[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*


CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.


me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no


[on a date with a teacher]

Me: your eyes are beautiful

Her: yours too

Me:*leans in, whispers* can i kiss you

Her: i don’t know CAN YOU


Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.


its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.


Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades


I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.


I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza