Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Mission: Impossible
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop