Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

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I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?


This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360


Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?


The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.


Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.


Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.


Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.


When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.


Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.