@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

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@RobDa64

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

@withanewname

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

@envydatropic

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

@Jesssicle

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

@BwanaChris

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

@AngryRaccoon2

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

@Turbo_Jimmy

“Ok Noah, that’s 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?”

Nope

“Yea I did, it had lipstick on?”

Nope, raise the anchor