Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.