Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.


– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.


When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.


it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.


DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious


Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff


What I said:

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.


Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.