Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac