Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

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Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.


Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”


If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.


The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”


Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*


“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”


i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.


You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac