Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.