imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
you gotta be faster
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
#milo
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.