Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.