I live on the edge
Her: So sexy
I almost fell once
Her: Oh! You actually live..
My home insurance is so expensive
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
*throws flashlight at him
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My hobbies include reading books, eating snacks, and sending emails referencing attachments without the attachments.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.