WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Me: in the glove box
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.
[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
her: i like a man with ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon
her: professional ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon, for money