[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon


I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose


Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?


[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box


[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)


In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.


[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do


her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money