[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”