she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
School be like
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My Sentiments Exactly