@badbanana

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

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@karanbirtinna

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

@Ty_Schutz

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

@fro_vo

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@tsm560

You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.

@muyrando

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@panmidwest

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door