God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You may be too old for her if she asks you what your kink is and you immediately think of your knees and your back.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do
me: i give out free drugs
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door