Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
This is a true ally.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?