Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep
Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
When speaking to your wife, always end with, “but i could be wrong,” this way when she says you’re wrong, you’ll be right for a change.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist