The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years