@SamDelanche

Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.

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@MarfSalvador

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

@urgeekisshowing

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

@ellewasamistake

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

@BrettDruck

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

@mommy_cusses

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

@AssOnHat

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub