Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…
Learned that one the hard way.
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Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
God: you’re a zebra.
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub