Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.