*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

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My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.


the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”


This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.


If you can’t say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they’re like, “hey, that wasn’t nice.” Buy some time.


DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.


Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there


I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids