*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.