@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

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@AKenyanDude

If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra

@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@TheHyyyype

just saw black panther and i finally understand why so many white people are mad: it’s not even a real panther, just a guy in a panther suit

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth