@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

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@Ohgoddessitsme

My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.

@avxlanche

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

@zannah

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

@liv_thatsme

If you can’t say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they’re like, “hey, that wasn’t nice.” Buy some time.

@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@CeruleanGates

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

@Token_Geezer

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids