@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

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@SomeChrisTweets

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.

@sara_ashlynn

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

@CodyJP9412

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

@I_am_Lukem

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@ninjadinosaur1

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.