My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Its a hippotatomus
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels