“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

You Might Also Like


You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*


Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.


[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
lemme see


I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!


WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?


Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.


[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-


I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.


NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:




Just married:






Only $139.95! Act now!