@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

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@Nickadoo

My urologist is weird.

I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.

Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.

@funflaps

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

@SortaBad

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

@sofarrsogud

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

@rebrafsim

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

@Brianhopecomedy

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

@philyuck

my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples