@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

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@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

@BEEAAARR

Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.

@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@bombscribe

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@TheToddWilliams

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

@SweatyGardener

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

@Alex_N_Chains

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

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Dead:

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