@BlindVigil
@BuiltToTopple
You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.
*points at hotel towels*
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@BuiltToTopple
@BEEAAARR
Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.
@murrman5
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
@bombscribe
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
@ArfMeasures
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
@stephpaulus
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.
@Los01001111
Marriage.
Because dodging your own family wasn’t enough.
@TheToddWilliams
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
@SweatyGardener
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
@Alex_N_Chains
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!