@BlindVigil
@Nickadoo
My urologist is weird.
I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.
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@Nickadoo
@funflaps
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
@TheKrisWilson
@SortaBad
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
@itchyturtle
Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
@sofarrsogud
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
@rebrafsim
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
@_youhadonejob1
Someone at the bakery might have lost their glasses.
@Brianhopecomedy
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
@philyuck
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples