My urologist is weird.
I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.
Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Dating tip: surprise your date by being a giraffe
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
please my credit card it’s very sick
Someone at the bakery might have lost their glasses.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples