“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
That’s amazing.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
i hate you platonically
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’m listening
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔