Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Breaking news:
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’d use my best pan on you.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM