me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking