BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My favorite romcom is Silence of the Lambs and if you tell me it’s not a romcom well oh boy have I got a Powerpoint presentation for you.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store