@SamuelMoen

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

You Might Also Like

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

@jonnysun

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

@dadopotamus

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@SamGrittner

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

@VolatileVani

My favorite romcom is Silence of the Lambs and if you tell me it’s not a romcom well oh boy have I got a Powerpoint presentation for you.

@Midgetspar

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

@Lisabug74

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

@jenlaw_11

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

@TweetPotato314

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store