Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”
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I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.
ME: have you seen my briefcase?
HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk
ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
Just how popey was the pope today?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now