Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.