Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”

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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”


I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”


Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.


“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*


Never tell a psycho that they’re psycho, because then they feel like they’re obligated to prove it.


ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?


11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait


Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now