Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My Plans 2020
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin