IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.