FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.
And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol