Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*jazz hands*
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used