I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.
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I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]