IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.

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I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.


I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.


A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.


Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?


Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs


Me: ok reese’s eggs


Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.


I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡


CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]