@Tommytoughstuff

IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.

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@LizHackett

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

@juliussharpe

I’d be less scared of trying to take a gun from a mugger than I am of taking an iPad from my kid.

@TheAlexNevil

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

@AdamBroud

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

@CaucasianJames

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

@PaulGibson1963

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

@Whatevah_Amy

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

@jonnysun

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]