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I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.


*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”


TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.


If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*


if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about


When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.


Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.


[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human


Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can


dog sits

dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids