@Mr_Mike_Clarke

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

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@LeftBlank___

She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”

I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.

@SortaBad

*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”

@TheNardvark

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

@deedles420

If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*

@tamara_geldart

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.

@robfee

Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.

@notalogin

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

@Gupton68

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids