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Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.


My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!


I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.


Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus


Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!


Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.


Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ??