I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
DOOO EEEET
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Free him
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.