@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

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@FunkyFresh_79

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

@MollySneed

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

@WercYendor

I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@geekysteven

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@BuckyIsotope

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

@bartandsoul

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.