@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

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@KeetPotato

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

@Scimommy

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@Gupton68

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

@AnkCoupleTO

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

@Genos_Steaks

I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…

@bridger_w

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

@Vice_Queen

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.