*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]


90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.


Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.


That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.


Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.



Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you


I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…


Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?


Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.