*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back