[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.