*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU