i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
This has made my week.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Mhm.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
No one :
Me when I swimming :