#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!

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A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married


Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…


I wake up every morning wishing for your happiness and banking information


snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them



dumbledore: i mean i hope not


The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.


WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals


Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.


HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched


You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.


Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.