@BeckyKillinit

#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!

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@ssholeEric

A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married

@TeejayRush

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

@thisisapril00

I wake up every morning wishing for your happiness and banking information

@leakypod

snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them

dumbledore:

snape:

dumbledore: i mean i hope not

@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

@TheCatWhisprer

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

@rockymomax

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

@HatfieldAnne

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

@MomOfTeen

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.