@BeckyKillinit: #IMustBeOldBecause I'm starting to give real world answers on my math test!
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@mortimermaiden: I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
@XplodingUnicorn: Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery? Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot? Him: Me: Him: How much money do you have?
@UberFacts: A Chicago High School played Justin Bieber's "Baby" between classes and students had to pay to stop it - They earned $1,000 in 3 days.