cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
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congratulations to them
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
We all have our pet causes.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.