It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
you can’t believe it’s not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.