@LetsQuoteComedy

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

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@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@ericsshadow

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

@jonnysun

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

@huntigula

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

@hippieswordfish

you can’t believe it’s not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter

@WildeThingy

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

@BillFienberg

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.