In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.