In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
adding to the discourse
he’s doing your taxes
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no