In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago