In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.