@UberFacts

In 1999, a 6-year-old chimpanzee named Raven became the 22nd most successful money manager on Wall Street. She delivered a 213% gain and outperformed more than 6,000 professional brokers

Raven chose her stocks by throwing darts at a list of 133 internet companies

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@KentWGraham

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

@calluptome

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

@Try2StopME

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

@Darlainky

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

@WilliamAder

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

@byrdie_num_num

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

@ryanswilders

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you