hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.