In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?