Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@pilau

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.

@IncrediblyRich

And so it begins…

@JustUnstableMe

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@piyush938

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

@Snarfernini

Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!

@markydoodoo

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

@DudeImShawn

Live today like it’s your last.

Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.