mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers
You Might Also Like
I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.
And so it begins…
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Live today like it’s your last.
Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn’t.
Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.